Catharsis or Creativity?
So often since my sister, Janell’s death in September 2012, I’ve thought:
Sometimes I really miss the old me. Other times I wonder if I ever really knew who she was.
One part of myself, among many, which seemed to disappear along with Janell was my creative night owl self. I love being a night owl. I love the creative zone I get into during the wee hours of the night/morning. I really hit my stride at around 2:00 am – usually.
For over a year after her death, though, my quiet times at night were spent mostly crying or vegging out in front of the TV in an effort to keep from crying. Hating the lack of productivity and missing the joy of creativity, I’d try to sleep but that didn’t work either.
For about five months now, I’ve finally been able to recapture that part of me – until tonight. Janell’s birthday is tomorrow. I went to the cemetery today. I actually had a sweet time there. I pulled a blanket out of my car – one of her blankets – laid it on the ground and actually took in a bit of sun, something she and I had done together since our teen years. One of my last days with her was spent by the poolside soaking in some rays.
While I was at the cemetery, song lyrics to a song I couldn’t name kept coming to mind …
When you remember me If you remember me I hope you see It’s not the way I want it to be Oh I’d be with you now But wherever you go My love goes with you
When I got home, internet searching (and a “memory jog” by a Facebook friend) led me to the song “If You Remember Me” and its use in the movie The Champ. So, I looked up both and have been bawling off and on ever since. That’s okay; sometimes you just need a good cry. This time around in the anticipated all night crying session, though, I decided to go ahead and write this post about what I’m feeling.
I’m not sure if this is creativity kicking in or if it’s just catharsis. I’m just glad it got me through the night.